BPD Comfort in Chaos
Young adults with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) sometimes find comfort in chaotic, disorderly, or dysfunctional situations and relationships. This seemingly paradoxical preference can be understood through the lens of attachment theories and early life experiences influencing emotional regulation and relational patterns.
Why chaotic or dysfunctional situations might feel comforting:
Familiarity of Emotional Turmoil: Many individuals with BPD have histories of trauma, neglect, or unstable family environments. These early experiences often involved emotional chaos or unpredictability. As a result, chaotic relationships may feel familiar and “normal,” even if they are unhealthy. This familiarity can provide a false sense of safety or predictability amid emotional intensity.
Reenactment of Internal Working Models: According to attachment theory, early relationships shape our internal working models of self and others. Young adults with BPD might unconsciously recreate patterns where chaos and dysfunction dominate, mirroring past relational dynamics. This repetition serves to confirm their expectations and beliefs about relationships, reducing feelings of uncertainty, despite the negative consequences.
Emotional Intensity and Validation: Dysfunctional or chaotic interactions often elicit strong emotional responses, which can paradoxically feel validating for those who struggle with chronic feelings of emptiness or dissociation. The heightened emotional states might provide a temporary sense of being alive or connected, even if fleeting or damaging.
Difficulty with Stability and Trust: Consistent, stable relationships require trust and vulnerability—areas often challenging for individuals with BPD due to fears of abandonment or rejection. Dysfunctional dynamics can obscure these fears because the chaos distracts from the underlying anxieties about intimacy and being hurt. When things are non chaotic, seemingly pleasant, it can seem quite boring, and boring doesn’t feel good to someone who has frequently had to fight to survive. Stability itself can often seem boring, which can make someone with BPD uneasy and more untrusting of the person they want to connect with.
Hypersensitivity to Rejection: Fear of being abandoned is a common concern for many individuals in this world, and one that those with BPD are especially familiar with. At times, if a person with BPD is feeling hypersensitive and beginning to think they will be rejected, sometimes they may feel inclined to create chaos intentionally making others distance themselves from them or, creating chaos and taking it upon themselves to push others away as it provides a sense of control over the situation and subsequently gives the power to say they were not the one that was rejected, they did the rejecting.
Understanding these patterns and patterns is critical for therapists and caregivers to approach young adults with BPD with compassion, recognizing that what appears as self-sabotage or poor choices often stems from deep-seated psychological trauma and learned relational templates.
Psychotherapy With Kyle offers targeted support using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), and person-centred approaches to help young adults with BPD build healthier relational patterns, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation skills within a safe, stable therapeutic environment.
Evidence and Sources:
Linehan, M.M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. This foundational text highlights how individuals with BPD often struggle with emotional dysregulation tied to early invalidating environments, which can lead them to gravitate toward emotionally intense, unstable situations.
Fonagy, P., Target, M., & Gergely, G. (2000). Attachment and borderline personality disorder. The book explains the role of attachment disruptions in BPD, including how insecure attachment contributes to maladaptive relationship patterns characterised by chaos and fear of abandonment.
Stepp, S.D., Pilkonis, P.A., Yaggi, K.E., Morse, J.Q., & Feske, U. (2009). Interpersonal and emotional experiences of borderline personality disorder patients and controls. This study discusses how individuals with BPD show patterns of seeking out intense interpersonal experiences, some of which are dysfunctional or chaotic, as part of attempting to regulate their emotional states.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy addresses this phenomenon clinically by teaching skills to tolerate distress and develop healthier, more stable relationships.
Psychology Today – The Chaos Borderline Personality Disorder Can Cause: An article that explores the complexity and challenges associated with BPD. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201309/the-chaos-borderline-personality-disorder-can-cause